When problems pile up, it becomes harder to fix anything. A terrible boss, overdue bills, family conflict, bad dates, and feeling perpetually single can begin to feel like one enormous failure. You may start believing you deserve these problems, but they are circumstances, not proof of who you are. Problems can occupy your mind until they seem impossible to escape. Still, a difficult period does not determine your value or decide what happens next.

The most freeing thing I have learned is that I am not my problems. None of us are, and we are not our roles either: single person, wife, husband, parent, friend, CEO, professor, chef, or babysitter. These are roles we live, not complete definitions of who we are. Problems happen to us, but they do not mark us forever. They are experiences we move through, not permanent identities. Remembering that can create the space to see what truly needs to change.

As a single person, I often lamented bad dates and wondered why men I liked disappeared. I compared myself with strangers who were coupling up and assumed something was wrong with me. But I was not the result of failed relationships. I was learning what I would tolerate, what I wanted, and what I did not want. My journey was not short or unencumbered, but that did not make me wrong or inadequate. It simply meant that I was living a different set of experiences.

Problems come and go in life, and everyone faces them. You are not the sum of your problems, and you can choose who you want to be in this world. Your experiences may take you down roads unlike anyone else’s, with both ups and downs. Your problems will not define you unless you let them. One thing or another will always come up, but you can decide how to respond. So remind yourself again: you are not your problems.